The Dark Side of Thomas DeLauer | The Story You HAVEN’T Heard (w/ @ChrisWillx)

the following is an interview that I did with Chris Williamson on his podcast it goes very deep into my story deep in a direction that I swore I would never go as far as what I put out there in content my history my childhood my upbringing my eating disorder my obsessive compulsive disorder a lot of very interesting things that were quite hard for me to share so here it goes what's your background what do you do just a guy on the internet man I'm just you know for me I'm a translator of science I'm not a biochemist I don't pretend to be one I I take the research I know how to read a paper very well and I tend to get really overly excited about stuff like that and then I translate it and I try to put it into layman terms and do a decent job at articulating complex subject matter into a way that's digestible for people so that they can have a chance to really review the research and understand and Put Another Brick in the Wall for themselves towards being healthier having more vitality and just being better humans why did you get interested in that I realized not that long ago that I'm not that great at many things uh but I'm decent at a lot of things and I realize the one thing that I am really good at is articulating and communicating and for a long time I tried to fight that I always wanted to be the strongest guy in the room or the smartest guy in the room I always wanted to kind of you know face adversity and and I just wanna I wanna be that guy and then I realized that you know what it's actually really good to be a good effective communicator and I started leaning into that and the moment that I leaned into that and I fed the stallion starved the pony so to speak I realized that I can take all these things that I'm halfway decent at but really get people excited about them with my ability to communicate it talk to me about childhood for you you have a very interesting background what was that like yeah my childhood you know it's interesting I don't talk about it much and recently it's been coming up more probably because people are trying to figure out what makes me tick um I came from what looked like a pretty normal conventional childhood on the surface uh I had a loving mother had a you know very loving father I ran my first like 10K when I was like five years old right so I I was kind of got into running at a very young young age and then I ultimately I'm flashing forward I ran my first marathon when I was 11.

And the reason that I'm starting with that is not to say hey I'm this amazing person look at me it's because now as an adult and as a father myself I look back at that I'm like wow that's interesting like what was my mom thinking and I love my mom and I'm close with my mom and everything I did everything with my mom like I was always Along by her side right and I realized that she did these things and I wanted to be like her I wanted to be with her and my mom would run marathons so I would run marathons too and my mom sort of had this mentality of like hey well you know what if you want to hang out with me then you're gonna do the stuff that I'm gonna do and there was no real worry about it it was just the way that it is after this video get 20 off of any bubs Naturals product now particularly they're Halo creamer so we're talking just a couple of simple ingredients nothing hidden in it no weird nastiness we're talking MCT oil powder we're talking grass-fed butter and they have a vegan 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as someone that personally works with special forces and Special Operations myself it's very near and dear to me so again 20 off whatever you get through bubs and know that 10 of those proceeds are going to an awesome cause hang on so we're talking age four in order to be able to get ready to run this I don't even think I really I mean I was running like I remember running like two three miles at age four five and it was with Mom yeah with Mom you know and I remember people because we live really close to these wineries like we were living in Sonoma and I remember people like clapping you know like when I would go on runs I'd be like way to go like way to go mom you know wait like it was cool I enjoyed it there was never a moment where I didn't like it like I always loved it uh that evolved into sort of loving the pain of it too which I mean you talk to endurance athletes and that's a pretty common trait they kind of almost had this masochistic type feeling with it yeah so I mean I was training at a very young age for that and that just became part of my life I was the skinny Runner kid that was made fun of because it was weird to run you know you're in elementary school and you're the kid that wants to go out for a run you're the kid that decides to like run home for school like I was a weird kid don't get me wrong I was like the hiking boots and shorts type of kid so yeah I was weird but my mom exposed me to so many different crazy experiences to the point where other kids thought it was insane like so I was the weird kid as a result of my mom always exposing us to very interesting things when I was 11 years old I backpacked the John Muir Trail from Yosemite to Mount Whitney it was 230 miles took us 16 days and no experience in backpacking and then went back again the next year to do it again and did it in 11 days and ran out of food you know ran out of food for four days we come back CPS gets called on us because I'm emaciated and my mom's like no these kids wanted to do this and we're like yeah no no mom is awesome like trust me we want to do this stuff it's the childhood was just crazy but at the time nothing felt weird about it because it was normal to us and nothing was ever we were never put in a situation where we felt in danger or anything like that but we we were always subconsciously held to this very high standard like you should perform and it made me a very results oriented person that unfortunately damaged me a little bit as an adult because being a results-oriented person has resulted in me being well results oriented which I don't necessarily know is the best way for me to go through life um but yeah there's a lot of nuance a lot of detail that goes that goes on there but it's just interesting experiences that made people look at me funny were you bothered by school were you interested in school hit at school hated it why I just well for one I I always felt like I could go faster like I felt like very restricted and I don't mean that in some conceited way like oh I'm smarter than people that's not even it I just felt like ah this is not a good use of my time like I felt like this is this is terrible from what age uh oh I got it uh it's a funny story I got expelled from preschool the only person in the history the only person at that time in the history of Sunshine Preschool in Sonoma California probably can fact check this to get expelled uh I just wouldn't have it I wanted to go home and it was I tried to escape I did escape and I wanted to go home I would just scream and cry until my mom came to pick me up and said I don't want to be here and uh kindergarten I made it through kindergarten but it was like every day after school I would I it was like I would cry waiting for my mom to come home I'm gonna come pick me up because I wanted to go home so bad I just did not want to be there I hated it and I don't know to this day like why kids weren't particularly mean to me I actually had friends I was weird but it wasn't like I was bullied like I mean I was kind of picked on because I was the skinny Runner kid but it was more just like people Josh these all the time yeah uh but I hated it I hated being confined I hated being restrained and what was home life like home life was you know it was as a young kid it was pretty normal my mom uh went to school she was a microbiology major so but she never really used it professionally she she was uh she owned a landscaping business for a while and then she became a school bus driver randomly it was very interesting she randomly decided I'm just gonna drive the school bus because it's a way for me to have Summers off with my kids and a way for me to have the same hours as my kids and that was a root of me getting made fun of a lot of Tom's mom's the school bus driver uh my dad owned a bookstore in Oakland this is very interesting because at the time Mike my kid I don't really care my dad owns a bookstore what do you do but as I grow older I realized that this bookstore Delaware's super newsstand 13th and Broadway in Oakland was the only it was the world's largest newsstand so it had newspapers and magazines from all over the world that would come there one to two days later after they were released in their respective countries so as a result my father's bookstore was like this massive cultural Melting Pot in Oakland where people from Pakistan Afghanistan Australia whatever would come there to pick up respective papers and whatever from their countries So Not only was it a cultural Melting Pot where people all came together and put aside their differences which is very interesting it was also the site of a lot of hate crime on the side of a lot of so massive thing in history so if you look up Delaware's super newsstand uh you see that it's been around you know family business so I never realized that until I was an adult I was like wow how that's very wild uh my dad worked a lot you know but he he was still a very present father um so home life home life was good it was you know I could pick apart little things everyone can uh there were extreme situations there were situations that I probably wouldn't talk about publicly but nothing nothing that was ever dangerous or bad um what about when you get into teen years when you start to take life a little bit more seriously yeah so by the time I was about nine or ten I ended up with obsessive-compulsive disorder I was I used to have to flip like switches I was always uh I remember these I had these like hardwood floor in my uh in one my transitional area of my house and I had like these squares it kind of looked like uh uh where the Celtics play like that Courthouse has like that you know uh and I used to I could only step on the ones that had the grains facing forward if I stepped on the grains facing laterally uh it was terrible and it was almost always surrounding uh something happening to my mom like if I stepped on the wrong one my mom would die I literally took the step on a crack break your mother's back thing like literally so I was like I can't like I can't it will break my mom's back like I had this attachment to my mother um so it was so I suffered with that by the time I was in Middle School I can't remember the term for it uh I was pulling my hair out so I I had bald spots in my hair because I was pulling my hair out just from anxiety um so I was put on you know benzodiazepines at like age 13 uh but I didn't really take them they were just how common is that for a child to be prescribed benzos at that age not very common like it's not not a healthy thing it was like for an emergency case situation right so it was in one of those things where like it was not like my mom was supposed to maintain control of them and things like that and I don't even ever recall taking them right so it was one of those things where with that I ran into all kinds of crazy situations I mean it was just I felt constantly anxious like my teen years were really really tough and of course pulling my hair out led to getting made fun of and the only thing that I really found control in was running like I can be in control when I was running so for me running became even more a part of my identity it was like this is and that carries through to me today like I don't necessarily feel whole unless running is a part of my life and I'm very self-aware of that because it goes all the way back to you know A coping mechanism for me so teen years early teen years were particularly rough for me what is happening with your sense of your own body as you're great have you got any body dysmorphia at this age not as much now because I'm very aware of it um definitely went through phases even phases of self-sabotage like when I became overweight I ultimately had anything disorder I talked about this with Nick bear uh there was a point when I was like you know 13 14 where I used to kind of like measure my uh my wrist with my fingers and if I could have room to like rattle my wrist around in my fingers that was like a win for me like no reason I didn't want to be skinny I didn't care it was an element of control all of this is an arbitrary measure that you decided especially given the fact that like the width of your wrist growing and the length of your fingers growing between the ages of 12 and 16 aren't going to happen in sync with each other correct correct so there's nothing nothing there's an arbitrary Choice yeah it was the same kind of satisfaction that I would almost get it was the same kind of satisfaction that I'd almost get out of flipping light switches it was just something like but I also felt very in control with that I felt like I can't control when I don't eat I can't control what I don't eat I didn't really have an obsession with body composition I I suppose if I reverse engineer it I could think about it and say yeah like I wanted to be lighter for running and it made more sense so I was very skinny very frail um you know and then when I was like 13 14 I did discover the gym and I got really interested in the gym and actually the gyms I would arguably say saved my life like it was one of this because I was one of those people that had I gotten into the wrong drugs at that point in time I think it could have been very bad I've always been a very obsessive person but to come back to your question like the body dysmorphia now to a certain degree yes because my profession depends on me being lean in a lot of ways so do I have anxiety around not looking a certain way I would be lying if I said no um but it's in control and I'm self-aware of it but when I became overweight which we'll talk about in a little bit yeah I reverse engineer that I think about it I was like it's almost a means of self-sabotage it was like it was me in a way like I was aware that I was gaining weight and like gained a bunch of weight fast and it was almost like this revolt against how I was before and uh it's interesting it's just a very wild thing I'm very self-aware psychoanalytical person so I try to look at these things but yeah didn't you say something about psychedelics when you were younger so yeah so yeah that's what's interesting so like when I was in seventh and eighth grade I tried acid like I tried and like I smoked pot like a crazy kid in seventh grade seventh eighth grade it was and I know people some people judge on that but I mean I was a kid I was a lost kid right like what and I look back at that now being a father I'm just like what was I missing because I I feel like my childhood wasn't [ __ ] up like I don't like it doesn't look like a way on the surface right but there's certain things but I'm like why was I doing that stuff and I got that stuff out of my system so young by the time I was 14 I was like a total square you know like I didn't even drink were you doing that with people so generally yes I had like two close friends that I would you know and it was uh it was just it was weird and I lived in uh I lived in Italy for a semester went to school in Italy first semester when I was I can't remember I was 12 or 13.

I guess it would have been I think I think I turned 13 when I was there and that was a cool cool experience because my mom said hey we're gonna enroll you in home school so that you can study abroad and take college courses if we can get you approved for it so basically we did we got me approved through like aifs and I was able to get college credits to study art history as a 12 13 year old while concurrently homeschooled great experience but all the college kids that I was around thought it was really fun to like get me drunk get face pump me full or whatever they wanted to and for me it was like it was kind of fun because I was the cool like 12 year old and these I mean you're taking people that are like 19 20 years old and they're just like oh cool let's [ __ ] with this kid yes and uh I look back at that I'm like I was exposed to some interesting stuff at a very young age but then you come out of that and you've almost had a like hedonistic period before you've even hit puberty and now you're going through your teen years being a little bit more how did the OCD blend with being ripped out of your hometown being taken over to Italy also all of these new experiences older kids coming in and getting you to do stuff I would have imagined that those two things would have clashed very badly dude I think it actually like was a pattern interrupt for me I think it's actually I think it's exactly what I needed and sometimes I wonder if it's like I was like did my mom know this like she my mom's philosophy when things was like when everyone goes this direction go that direction you know where everyone wanted to put me in therapy and everyone wanted to fix the problem and everyone you know hypnosis this nothing was working I was still anxious I was still dealing with problems my mom's just like you know maybe maybe this kid needs the mountains you know let's do this maybe this freaking kids needs some like different cultural experiences and that helped me it absolutely helped me but in certain ways it may have made it worse but I I don't think keeping me in the confined little box I hated my hometown you know as an adult now like I look back at it and I appreciate it but I hated my hometown and I just couldn't stand it I just wanted to get out all the time and I've always felt like that or had always felt like that as a kid I felt very confined uh in any situation you put me in school My Town even my state and I would sometimes develop resentment towards it because I'm just I I gotta get out of this and the only way for me to get out of it is to hate it as much as I possibly can until I finally explode and get out of it okay so you're getting toward the end of your teens now when do you start to gain weight so gain weight at the uh probably like 1920.

Okay so we've got a little bit of time yeah so I mean I put on some muscle and that was a that was kind of the golden period of of my my teens like right like from like 15 to 18 I was independent study and a lot of the reason I did that is after my mom and dad's divorce when I was 13 uh I lived with my mother my mother was dealing with a number of different things um both you know legally mentally just a lot of struggles that I don't necessarily need to go into detail but you know she needed some help and stuff so for me it was independent study where it was like home school but I was still part of the school I could still enroll in school sports a really cool program it worked well for someone like me but then I also worked 40 or 50 hours a week to help support my mom and to help just kind of want to keep life going so from 14 the time I could get my my workers permit groceries so bagging groceries and then I worked for a financial services company where I would just like file stuff so I'd work as many hours as I could so when you have your workers permit I think you could only I can only work like 30 hours at a select role and then I would go to like a different role and get paid under the table you know so it's it is cool plus school but I was independent honestly I was never challenged by school like independent study I could get all my work done in like two hours for the week like it wasn't a big deal and honestly I held like a 3.98 GPA like it wasn't hard for me and like school just didn't challenge me of course I wasn't trying to be challenged like I wasn't taking I was like in AP English you know I was in high English um I sucked at math so I was like Baseline math and just like you know so I kind of skated through standing by yeah just getting by but with good grades and uh but I just was not challenged and for me it was like I learned the value of a dollar really quick because I'm like okay well I know how to work and uh now that was what was important to me was like how do I how do I work how do I get all this done you realize how much of an outlier situation that is right to be working between 40 and 50 hours at the age of 14 or 15 plus doing self-directed homeschool whilst supporting mum whilst trying to learn about yourself and the world around you whilst dealing with the after effects of OCD yeah probably is a lot [Music] but everything prior to that felt so normal right it's it's it's wild well that's one of the interesting things about anybody's life experience right you're never going to until Elon fully dialed in neuralink you're never going to be able to feel what it's like to be in the texture of somebody else's mind you're never going to know what life is like to live as somebody else and with the Advent of the internet and social media which kind of does give us the view Through The Eyes of other people at least in a small dose but as a kid you know when you're relatively sheltered you're not exposed to as many people or things and you don't have that ability to use theory of mind the life that you have is the only one that you've ever known so it is normal very much is mine as well I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have siblings I was an only child so I'm like well this is this is just what life is isn't it it's you and Mum and Dad and the dogs I got you know you don't know what it's like to have a house that's got cats you don't know what it's like to have a house that's got blah blah you know like I didn't know what it was like to have a house that had it we always every house that we were in Mum and Dad love baths so we always had like a bath some like the first time that I lived in a house with the showers when I went to University so I'm like your life experience especially if you're a little bit more sheltered or sheltered but like constrained sometimes whether by availability or or habit um can be difficult for you to sort of rip yourself out of that and work out what's going on I could never understand why my sister who's four years older when she went off to the Air Force Academy I never understood why she was so manically worried about me because I was you know 14.

I'm just like Liz like everything's fine like why are you freaking out like so stressed out worried about me all the time like what's going on in the Thomas what's going on Thomas and all I could think I was like oh you're dealing with some serious issues there girl and then I'm like man I talk with her now she's like you see why maybe maybe I was one of the potential issues okay so you are now working full time whilst doing your self-directed stuff for school going to the gym gaining it but you're saying that this is also the golden period Well I feel great there was nothing like it was a period of time where I felt in complete control like I've got Infinite Energy I'm in my teens tired like whatever like I could work I was making money helping support mom but I was also making my own money and so by the time I was you know 15 16 things started to kind of mellow out a little bit it didn't need to work as much I was still working probably 30 40 hours um and then at that rate I was still running cross-country in the fall so I was I was obviously I was a runner of course I'd run cross country uh I discovered rugby my junior year so I played rugby I was a Winger I really enjoyed rugby it was a way for me to connect I didn't really on the surface I didn't have any issues socially like I had an what would look like a normal social Dynamic but deep down it was a struggle for me deep down it was really hard for me to uh I had to work to maintain friendships uh because I felt like it just uh it just didn't come natural it was a very introverted person and it probably just came over I think that was a a nurture versus nature thing I think that was something that like was manufactured as a result of working and just probably not typical upbringing yeah just not having the time and my mom also did kind of like make it seem growing up as though anything conventional was not okay she used to pull us out of school my sister and I pull us out of school sometimes to like you know Screw school like we're gonna go hike we're gonna go do you know pull us out of school like no parents would do that like but my mom really wanted to be around us she won was she wanted to be around us well she wanted to groom us I don't understand you know right um but I enjoyed it because any opportunity to not be in school I was all about so for me the fact that I could independent study didn't have to spend time at wasting my time at school could work and actually doing something constructive um so yeah I was still running not as much running but I was starting to lift and you know I got in pretty good shape in high school I was I and then I met my wife when I was 16 and she was 14.

And that's when things just got really good like things felt great like I had met ultimately what I felt was the woman of my dreams and is the woman of my dreams and I married her and have two kids with her never been with another woman in my life and talk about coping mechanisms right like talking about like my wife had a similar background uh not the same of course but her family Dynamic was very twisted and we found each other and we just like locked onto each other man like our messed up family Dynamics and you know two divorced families and we're just like we got each other you know and I was like finally this chick understands me someone understands me someone loves me for me short shorts and hiking boots and uh it's awesome so like that sounds like a blessing dude it's amazing do you think about where you would be if you hadn't met your wife at the moment dude I honestly think uh I I think I'd probably be dealing with addiction and things like that I really do because like she is the Jane to my Tarzan you know like without that I'm just crazy like I would fly off the handle because like I'm just so high energy so like I need a little bit of that guardrail like I need that and I think now I you know I've developed traits and I'm mature enough that heaven forbid something ever happened to her like I don't think I'd spiral off but I think during those fundamental years it was so unbelievably like critical what happens with the weight gain so the weight gain came I always joke about this because I never out there in the internet it makes it seem like I was this obese slob that was always that way and I struggled with my weight the struggle was real but what people don't understand is the mental issues that came from that and stemmed that so a lot of it started as somewhat of a bulk gone wrong it started out as I'm going to put on some weight for muscle right I'm gonna I'm gonna try to gain some muscle and then over time I just kind of stopped working out got obsessed with uh you know I ended up going into a commission only Healthcare recruiting job you know all this high stress stuff where I was just trying to make money so in the same stuff I was doing earlier except now I am completely on my own and I've got responsibilities and my body just wasn't working the same way that it used to so it was very easy for me to put on muscle but then I also put on a bunch of fat with it too so I always kind of joke I was like this was a classic example of a bulk gone wrong but it wasn't like I was bulking on six cups of brown rice per day I was eating Jack-in-the-Box tacos I was eating everything under the sun I remember my wife's brother being like looking at this uh baking sheet that I had full of tater tots like just an entire giant baking sheet I remember him being like that's healthy and I just remember that such a snide little comment and I was like convince myself like this is healthy I'm bulking I was totally like Eric Cartman in Beefcake like that I was like ah weight gain 5 000 like as long so fortunately I wasn't overweight for a long period of time it was like two and a half years where I was but I tipped the scales close to 300 pounds at one point and the fact that I gained the weight that fast at the time I didn't think of it but now I think about it now I'm like what was mentally going on with me this was like some weird element of self-sabotage it was like I'm us I'm not a stupid guy smart enough to know and self-aware enough to know that like if you eat 10 000 calories it was like I was stuffing my face trying to gain weight I remember my wife even making comments like being like you know I love you anyway I don't know what you're doing but it was it's crazy like you see those my 600 pound life you see that stuff where these people are laying in bed and they they know what they're doing and they're doing it to themselves and I was walking down that path and then I think about like oh my gosh my sort of disordered eating past of being somewhat anorexic this was like the opposite of it I'm like holy crap I've got like some serious eating disorder stuff that I gotta work with fortunately I was able to get a grasp on it I always joke about the moment when I saw someone that was an acquaintance of mine they were driving down the road and they saw me eating Jack-in-the-Box tacos and maybe you've heard the story because it's floating around the internet all the time but I I went through Jack in the Box pulled into a stall afterwards and was eating my translucent Jack-in-the-Box tacos because they're so full of grease you can see through them and this person Drives By and he's not a close friend he's an acquaintance but he just waves at me nonchalantly and it was the fact that it was such a nonchalant wave that I'm like this dude like he wasn't shocked by the fact that I'm sitting here stuffing my face this was status quo normal to him this is how people see me the fact that he didn't wasn't like oh my God the fact that he looked at me and was like oh what's up Tom took off I'm caught I'm that guy I'm that guy and that was it that was the moment people like what was your call to action did someone say you're gonna die no but I did make myself type 2 diabetic I did give myself hypertension I clinically made myself type 2 diabetic so in a two year period of time and that let that be a testament to how a [ __ ] up diet can really mess you up right it can mess you up quick and it took me like seven years to get that normal again but anyway that all that aside that's uh you know so this happens by the time I'm like you know 22 23 you know given my background and kind of what I was doing there's a lot of stuff that's kind of happening in the background there with my healthcare career healthcare administration going into ancillary lab services in the private Equity world for a short period of time I really developed a really strong knack for biochemistry because I was essentially in medical sales so I knew I had to be able to sell to Physicians and be able to explain uh various Lab Services salivary cortisol testing explain these things and I'm like I knew I was a really good salesperson with that because I was able to I knew so much about the body just because I was so in tune with myself and I got super into biochemistry just super into it to the point where I'm like I want to go back to school for biochemistry I dropped out I dropped out of college you know and I want to go to school for for biochemistry I want to go back and then I realized like you know what like I'm actually making good money doing what I'm doing without that and I'm really good at what I do and Physicians respect me and the community respects me and the scientific Community was respecting me then so anyway the point is is like I had a good breadth of knowledge so all it took was like that Catalyst for me to be like I got to get my life in order and uh you know then there's this kind of whole interstitial period between when I launched my brand and everything like that which is kind of there was some downtime and um what did you do to take yourself from like what what's what's the type of Diabetes that you gave yourself and what does that mean like retention all that and then how do you go from where you are to even anything approaching Health yeah so well type 2 diabetes I mean clinically if you're over 125 uh younger guys per deciliter glucose you're technically clinically diabetic and you're fasting glucose um or pre-diabetic and then once you start climbing over like 140 then you're kind of in that clinical range so I remember my glucose being like 144 fasting repeatedly bad really bad knowing what I know now I know why that happened knowing what I know now I know how I was corrected all I knew was that I needed to reverse it and I needed to fix this issue because I looked at my wife and I'm like this is stupid like all this happened in a pursuit of building muscle you got my body in a pursuit of building muscle but also then losing sight of that and [ __ ] up my body in a pursuit of making money so these two vanity things muscle and money like could have completely [ __ ] up my life I did [ __ ] up a lot of my life because it took me years to get my health back and there's certain things I still struggle with to this day as a result of just like massive basic binging for a couple of years well like well I mean for example like it's still like my testosterone levels are still pretty tanked right I think that I did that damage at a very critical age I think at a time when testosterone levels should have been peaking I was ruining them right uh so you know things like that I deal with that uh the mental repercussions of it so there's a lot of attributes where you know maybe it's more difficult for my body to produce hormones naturally because at that point you know obviously I stay in shape obviously I'm lean it doesn't affect me too much like on the surface but maybe there's stuff deeper down to I take years off my life possibly was it a massive hormetic stress or this could make me live to be 130 maybe I don't know that would be great if the secret was Jack in the Box tacos fee to the whole time centenarian yeah it was staring Us in the face the whole time so what you mentioned there is these two things around money and vanity but as you said earlier on you have this sense of obligation to be in shape now because your business relies on the condition that you're in at least in part you know um so that Dynamic is maybe much more integrated maybe much more under your control maybe much more holistic transcended and included but it's definitely still there it's definitely still there and if it wasn't for having my first my first kid my son I think I might have been chasing this for all the wrong reasons you know I I thoroughly enjoy helping people but I was starting to notice that I enjoyed the validation of helping people I didn't just enjoy helping people and it was it wasn't like I'm doing this for me but at the same time I was like I'm doing this for once again a dopamine hit like this dopamine hit that I get out of this was you know five seven years ago creating content I was like before my son was born just like I'm good at this the brand is growing but felt so [ __ ] empty it felt so good I or felt felt so wrong right like nothing felt good and when I had my son you know five and a half years ago or at least when I found out we were pregnant so six years ago six and a half years ago things changed man like life just has to change and all of a sudden like when my son came into this world and actually you know right before my son we found out we were pregnant a few days later my dad passed away so there was a lot of very interesting stuff that happened that sort of shifted mine like rocked my world man and what probably needs to be said to be able to explain the full story is you know you notice I haven't said much about my dad and I realized that like my mom in an effort to like keep us with her all the time sort of kept us away from our dad and I don't think she was meaning to do it maybe she was I don't know I never want to speak ill of my mom I love my mom so much and but it's weird because I felt like I didn't really establish a relationship with my dad until I was an adult and then pretty much as soon as I established a relationship with him he got a cancer diagnosis and I didn't get it so I never got the relationship with my dad and like to this age day now with like my age I crave a dad so much right like I missed like and we found out we were pregnant on Valentine's Day uh 2017.

And my wife gives me a Valentine's Day card and it's got the pregnancy test in it and she had just found out that day too so like we're like this is I almost passed down like I you know I think my wife videoed it The sneaky bastard like she videoed it I turned [ __ ] pale and I kind of like put a fake smile on you know for a second um and then you know 30 seconds minute goes by and I'm like wow okay this is gonna be cool like him there's no turning back so like this is gonna be awesome and uh then we get my dad was in hospice but then like the next day we get the call that uh okay like he's going down like this is you got to come up to the Bay Area and come see him and like four days prior to this we lose our dog that had been with my wife and I since we were together in high school you know right so I was like lost the dog found out we're pregnant and then we got it okay let's make a b line up to see my dad so go see my dad hold my dad's hand and uh tell him he's totally incoherent you know he's out and uh so dad you know uh you're gonna be a grandpa and like he hadn't had made any Signs of Life whatsoever like he was just breathing like and cracked a smile and hour and a half later he died you know it was like he waited and it was like so just talk about just powerful stuff all happening at once where it was like I got this like a little bit of closure but also this sense of like I don't want to go super deep but like right before the night before my son was born I had a dream where my son was born I was walking down my childhood hallway my brother who's 50 years old or half brother uh was there and just giving me like a nod of approval I walk past like the bathroom my sister's sitting there giving me a knot of approval and then I walk and I turn the corner in my hallway and my dad I just remember his big Italian hands of the stream that's like reached out I didn't see his face I could just see his hands and I like handed the baby over to him and then I woke up from the dream and my wife was going into labor this is the weirdest crazy thing man and like with all of that like dude something just clicked man it was like I gotta like change like something needs to change and I don't I can't tell you what actually changed man but like how I looked how I created content how I looked at how I wanted to help people how I looked at how I wanted to like make the world a better place for my son how I wanted to be a father that was present for my son that my dad didn't unfortunately have the ability to really do for me yeah long-winded explanation given the fact that you'll know a father of two you have the opportunity to reflect on your experience both with Mom and Dad has this given you a new insight that you didn't see before has it thrown into harsh light some things that you thought that were totally normal has it uh motivated you to be a particular way as a father Yes a million percent yes it's uh I try to look at things there's things that are maybe unconventional but not necessarily bad that I look out in my childhood I try to I do try to look at the world through Rose Colored Glasses as much as I can like I try to find the positive and things you know so all these things have made me who I am today but the fact you know I see a lot of times especially in divorced families where parents pit children against one another and it happened in my wife's family and unfortunately I think it happened in mine and I don't think that it was necessarily intentional I think sometimes it's human nature to kind of like take you know like oh I want to reach I want to grab I want to hold this uh and those are the kinds of things where my wife and I talk about all the time like if we ever go our separate ways like if something ever happened like we can't be like that don't use the kids as LeBron like never ever uh that happened a lot and I think that I look back at when I was dealing with most anxiety when I was pulling the hair out I was right at the peak of the divorce you know and I'm like what was I feeling as a kid so like for me it's like man just to be able to shower my children with love but be able to just make them feel like they can they can do anything in the world as long as they put in the work and that they're always going to have a safe place whereas I grew up thinking that like no like you were only really loved if you perform and I'm like up until having children I kind of thought that was the way it was supposed to be supposed to give this tough love like you perform you perform you perform and you equals love let's keep a spreadsheet you know where it's now it's like man you can do whatever you want Kiddo like if you are sincerely happy and you are accomplishing and you are doing good in the world I got your back and uh that is definitely Transcendent into how I create content because now I'm like I used to live in this Echo chamber with what works for me intermittent fasting worked for me I lost a lot of weight with it it [ __ ] worked for me 100 keto worked for me so that means it's gonna work for you man and here's why and let me give you all the justification as to why and let me create all this content surrounding why why why justifying justifying justifying suddenly I'm like holy crap I'm using my gift for all the wrong like I'm using my gift to justify what worked for me and a motivated inspired a lot of people but I'm like man I can reach Millions more people if I stop leaning into my gift as being my transformation and being my gift as my ability to articulate complex subject matter that gets people passionate and excited to be the best they can be sincerely less dogmatic less rigid with the way we're talking about stuff 100 yeah I mean dude I talk about this so much the fact that you cannot understand the price that certain people pay to be in a position that you think you want to be in you know so from the outside the three and a half million person YouTube channel and respected by scientists all over the world and walking around at five to six percent body fat and jacked and wife and kids and money and so on and so forth are you okay let's just take a small inventory of all of the things that have had to happen in order to contribute to this right you know the entire childhood the working from the age of 14 the pulling the hair out the social awkwardness like all of that all of that um that is the price that you need to pay to be Thomas de Lauer and it is I think it's very important for people to see the human behind the success I think it's one of the most important things it's one of the most useful things about having conversations like this because all of the people that I respect who have achieved success have done it in spite of a thing not because of a thing and you know for all that success looks fantastic from the outside a lot of the time people are running away from something that they fear as well as running towards something that they want and the vast majority of people Michael Juve the guy that does uh is seeking greatness I think of chasing Elite Performance the podcast um I asked him he's worked with like every High performer on the planet he helped Felix Baumgartner jump from the edge of space for the Red Bull Stratos Mission and I said on average do you think that high performers are happier or more miserable than the normal person it's like by a million miles more miserable it's like people that perform people that are successful on average are more more miserable you go okay but what does it mean that the people that are the most successful are the ones with the least admirable internal States like what does that mean what do how should we frame success how should we consider what we think of as being admirable desirable uh it's very difficult it's very difficult to work out what you want the outward success but do you really want to go through the pain and the mental texture that comes along with it 100 man it's it's a Lewis Howes asked me what's your level of self-love on a scale of one to ten and I was like dude maybe like a six five six I was like some days I wake up and I'm gonna eat but other days I wake up and I'm a four it's like so maybe it averages out to like five or six and he was like really and then I flipped around and I asked him sort of the same thing I was like you come on dad you talk to a lot of successful people and he's like yeah they all kind of fall around the same as you yeah you know there's a level of like I don't I don't loathe myself but I don't love myself uh but as I try to get a grasp on this you know being self-aware of what drives me forward what makes me what makes me tick I really I try to be aware of that and I try to be aware of like okay just because my self-love is a six that's doesn't mean it's actualized into me performing at a six so I still try to say like I'm still gonna perform like a 10.

I'm still gonna eat like a 10. I'm still gonna like live my life like a 10. and maybe it'll fake it till it makes it a little bit but so far it's not I think that that's the way to do it man I believe that we lead with action uh and I think that small steps are much more difficult for your psyche to deny even if you are a glass half empty kind of person if you continue to show up if you continue to do the things that are good for you if you continue to succeed in spite of your uh absolute certainty that you're not going to succeed after a while you just have this crushing weight of evidence that shows you that you are able to do this thing or you can achieve in the way that you are that you're intending

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